My walk

How do you start talking about your journey with God?

Having tried to write this piece a few times, I was struck by the fact that it was actually the first time I had ever attempted to write about my walk with God and it was hard.

Annoyingly so.

I essentially put it off because I wasn’t sure I was ready to forensically examine where I was, where I am and where I want to be in my walk with God and in order to write this authentically, I knew I would have to do all of these things. Bear with me whilst I try.

I used to sit in churches, small groups, dinners etc. and hear people tell especially moving stories about how God spoke to them during the worst of times and how he came to them in their time of need. I always felt a testimony had to be like this, an epic saga of you battling with good and evil and then eventually after years of prayer in a cave (or some such distant place) you see a shining light leading you away from perdition, only then could you quietly say to yourself: “I have a testimony now!”

Maybe that was just my Catholic upbringing shaping my thinking or my cynical nature - which I am working on believe it or not – but who knows? A common theme I found in all of the stories I heard, was a moment where the person would say words similar to:

“It wasn’t working my way, so I surrendered to God...”

Being fiercely independent (read hard headed and stubborn) I always struggled with this notion. I still struggle with it now being completely honest. As I mentioned my Catholic upbringing made me theorise a notion that I held on to for a really long time. I used to think that God was akin to a supermarket owner - bear with me.

I used to think that prayer (specifically here I mean rushing through an Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be before I went to sleep) and going to church was my way of getting enough loyalty points with God so I would do well on a test, get whatever PlayStation game had come out that week or eventually get me into Heaven. A simpler time.

It wasn’t until I got to university and met incredible people I am blessed enough to still be friends with today, who really got me to unpack some of this thinking and quizzed me on why I held onto this transactional way of thinking about God. It was all I had known and I didn’t think there was another way to really engage with God. Eventually I ran out of reasons to not go to church with these lot. So I went and it pretty much changed my life.

Have you ever been to a service where it felt like the preacher/pastor is speaking directly to you? Like as if someone had given them the heads up you were coming and they used all that time to prep a service that speaks to every thought you have ever had? I even thought it was a set up! That’s what happened to me. 20 mins in I was a mess. I was crying the kind of tears that after you are done, you need a nap (I didn’t nap in the service - don’t worry!).

I did have a lot to think about after though. Long story short after a few months of regularly attending services I gave my life after wanting to really find out more about what a personal relationship with God was like.

\\ This is where I was.

This is where I am//

So jump forward nearly 10 years to present day.

Pretty much everything is different about how I view God, speak to God and ultimately my relationship with God – we thank Him for growth! I have more of an understanding of concepts like grace, salvation and God’s love for me all because I have since taken steps to try and understand that monumental sacrifice Christ thought I was worthy of. And knowing I have barely scratched the surface is as daunting as it is exciting sometimes.

Before, thinking about God was something I relegated to Sunday 10:30am - 11:20am

(Father John used to end mass early to watch football on Sunday and I was never mad.)

Now though, knowing that he is there for me to call on in both the good times and the bad is incredibly reassuring. And there’s definitely a difference between knowing this and KNOWING this and after having had ups and downs that life invariably throws, I can safely say my relationship with God is paramount to the successes and comebacks I have been able to make specifically in the last 10 years.

I’m a film fanatic and so this means I’m dramatic.

If I had to choose a film title for my personal relationship with God it would be “Stand By Me” (directed by Rob Reiner, incredible film if you haven’t seen it, go get that) I’d choose this film because in it, the characters grow up a lot and understand the importance and transformative nature of the bond they have with their friends as time goes on and it’s no big leap to see how that applies here with my own personal walk with God.

I should be quick to say as well, I am far from perfect. I make mistakes and I act without thinking sometimes and I still have unforgiveness to one particular person that I definitely need to pray about more than I do. But perfection isn’t a requirement in order to have a story to tell.

One thing I have definitely come to realise though, is understanding who I am in Christ helps to ground me in a way I never use to think I would want or need as much as I do. But I am grateful for the peace it gives me in my day to day life.

\\ This is where I am

This is where I’d like to be //

What I know for sure, is that I am not the hard headed and judgmental (at times) person I used to be and I am so grateful. Walking around with negativity is draining.

I hope that people will look at things I achieve in the future both in my personal and professional life and wonder how I did them so I can turn around and say, “It wasn’t me, it was all God and you can get to know Him too!”