He elevated me beyond my failure

Despite studying hard at university, I failed two modules in my exams. I failed the re-sits too. What hurt most was that my grades were not a reflection of my lack of effort. For some reason, I just struggled despite trying my best. Failing meant that I "fell behind" many of my contemporaries and whilst my friends were supportive, I still felt as though I was just keeping my head above water. I ended up graduating with a 2:2.

I was confused, dejected and (in my entitlement), frustrated. Was I not a good person? Did I not study hard? So then why should I fail? I deserved to do well. As I mulled over these questions, I grew distant from God and, at one point, even thought that maybe I'd be better off without Him altogether. Thank God for still pursuing us in seasons where we choose not to pursue Him!

I was blessed enough to find a few decent jobs after university. I was grateful (especially because I know how hard it is to find a good job after university) but because of the failure that I felt that I had experienced, I really wanted to prove myself and wanted to have a moment where I (and others) could think, "look at me now". Unfortunately, however, I found myself being manipulated and badly treated in my last job. It was a toxic and nepotistic environment and there was no scope for real progression in the way that I wanted so I left and made a decision to do so with no future employment lined up.

Things began to really get bad for me at this point. I would tell myself that, with all the free time I had, I would get myself a new job in no time. In truth, my efforts to look for work only came in bursts. I would while time away by staying indoors, procrastinating in various ways like watching Netflix for hours on end. Anything else to distract me from the reality that I wasn't where I wanted to be was welcome. The problem with this is that I still had outgoings to cover. I started to dip into my savings to meet these expenses but that didn't really encourage me to change my habits. I got to a point where I spent my savings and started to rely on a credit card. My friends would make plans and I'd consistently avoid their calls and messages as I feared that going out meant I would have to spend money I did not have and I didn't want to have to tell anyone about the situation I was in and how bad it truly was.

Gradually (and unknowingly) I became withdrawn. I lost motivation to do anything besides eat and then sleep to forget my worries. I ignored phone calls, text messages, letters and any interaction with my friends. I was also living at home but I'd just stay in my room all day and not really spend time with my family unless I needed to. I felt so flat at one stage that I would go for days without bathing or brushing my teeth. Days would merge into one another and my stomach would physically hurt at the thought of having to speak to anyone in the state I was in. This probably went on for the best part of a year.

Despite all that was happening, my family were so supportive in helping me during this time. They probably knew I was trying to hide from them when I was really low but they didn't judge or pry any more than necessary. Any time I needed money, even if it was just money to make sure I was not digging deeper into my overdraft, they would help. They really loved me back to life and eventually, they were able to encourage me to start looking for work again so I did. Whilst applying for roles, with more effort this time around, I decided that I needed to make some money and quickly. I swallowed my pride and I applied to be a food delivery rider and was on my bicycle, delivering orders within days. After studying so hard and graduating from university, I worried about how it would look if people saw me. In addition, the work was poorly-paid and tiring but I needed the money so I did it.

One evening, I went to pick up an order just off of Oxford Street and as I walked into the restaurant, I saw an old friend from university. She was surprised to see me in my delivery uniform. By the time I had noticed her, it was clear she had recognised me too and it was too late to turn around. We got talking and I explained what had happened in the past year. Little did I know that God had raised a destiny helper in her! She ended up leaving the group she was eating with and heard what I had to say. I never expected her to show so much understanding. As we wrapped up our conversation, she mentioned that she knew of a good job offer coming up and that I should brush up my CV in order to make an application. It just so happened that my bicycle broke down a few days later. I brushed up on my CV like I was advised, applied and ended up getting an interview.

On the day of my interview, I had barely any money so I walked all the way (it was about an hour) to where my interview would take place. A few days later, I received an email telling me that I got the role and I started shortly after! Not too long after, I also ended up meeting with another friend (who also turned out to be a destiny helper) who challenged me in my understanding of God and encouraged me to rededicate my life to Him which I did. Since then, I have continued in this job role and have been happier than I had been in a long time. I've seen career progression, generous pay rises, professional growth and have even made lifelong friends amongst my colleagues. I now have so much joy, passion and gratitude about life. I've never looked back!

My journey to getting back on my feet has been a slow one not without its challenges and moments in which I doubted myself and God but God never left me in the valley. God has a plan to prosper us and not to harm us, and to give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). This is a scripture I came to understand in my testing season and is now a word that I live by.

For anyone who feels like life has passed them by or has dealt with disappointment, do not be disheartened. God's plans for our lives are always good, even when we might not understand them in the moment. My life is a living testimony and I believe that the best is still yet to come!