Healing after separation

I was raised in the church and gave my life to Christ at a young age. I had always been so content with God and knew that nothing compared to a life in and with Him. I didn't want any part of my life to dishonour Him and I felt that this was particularly true in the context of my romantic relationships. I decided I wasn't going to date anyone who would not become my husband. I didn't want to waste time, I didn't want to go through the emotions involved in getting to know several different people and I also wanted to make sure that I saved myself for God's best for me. I also knew that I didn't want to have sex before I was married because that's what God instructs. This was difficult to commit to (particularly as I got older and temptation became more real) but I continued to honour Him.

As I got older, the pressure of being single started to get to me. I had lots of people always questioning my relationship status. Was I being too picky? Was I being unrealistic? I tried to ignore what people were saying and my own doubts and continue running my race.

The pressure became particularly bad the year I turned 30. It was a gradual process too. I hadn't realised but I had allowed myself to buy into the societal ideal of wanting to be "settled" by the time I was 30. What's even crazier to me, looking back from where I am now, is that aside from being single, my life was very full. I had a great job, I had amazing family relationships and friendships and I had lots of great opportunities to keep growing. Unfortunately, the greatness of these things were minimised in my eyes because I was approaching 30 and still single with no prospect of an eligible man on the horizon.

Then I met my (now-ex) husband. He ticked a lot of the superficial boxes that I had wanted in a spouse - he was handsome, he had money and he loved showing me off. The red flag (which I ignored) was that he didn't have a meaningful relationship with God. I now know that this is the most important thing. He went to church when I encouraged him on occasion but his lifestyle and his character didn't really reflect that of a man whose heart was after God. I ignored this though and thought that I could help him grow during our relationship.

He agreed to wait until we got married to have sex and because we had enough money, we were able to get engaged and married within a few months of meeting. I convinced myself that in moving quickly, we were doing the right thing but deep down, I think he rushed us to get married so that he could have the freedom to sleep with me (without intending to change anything about his lifestyle or commit to our relationship in the way that I had wanted and needed him to).

We were now married and from the outside, it looked as though we were living a picture perfect life. He bought me expensive gifts and we travelled to lots of amazing places regularly. Behind closed doors, though, my life with him was not particularly happy. Before we had got married, I heard whisperings from others that he had been unfaithful. This was also something I chose to ignore and I truly believed that things would be different with me. I had also waited so long to find the right man and I felt like he came at the "right time" (just before I was about to turn 30, right?!). Maybe I was different...

I found out he had been cheating on me throughout our relationship and this continued after we got married. To make matters worse, he was unrepentant. It was devastating and I felt a multitude of emotions. One thing I knew though was that I was NOT tolerating this and we ended up, to my deep sorrow, separating shortly afterwards.

The time that followed after this was really hard. I hadn't shared what I was going through with a lot of people and so had to continue living my life whilst presenting as though I was doing well. I dodged questions about him whenever people asked why he didn't come to functions with me any more or why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring and eventually stopped socialising as much as I used to. I was upset, I was angry and I was embarrassed. Through it all, however, God was patient with me. I had made a bad choice without really involving God in the process and unfortunately ended up getting hurt. I don't believe God set out to hurt me. I believe I faced the consequence of making a poor decision but even still, God cared for me and showed himself to be my Father during this period of pain. God used certain friends to speak life and wisdom into and over me and over the months to follow, I started to feel healed from all the hurt and was able to fully forgive my ex-husband and release the pain.

I now stand in 2020 a better version of myself and surrendered to the endless possibilities that I know and believe still exist in God to grow, love again and fulfil my destiny in Him. I've come out of the darkest season of my life so far much stronger, more resilient and have learned to love myself (and others) in a new way. I'm excited about life again and continue to lean on God's infinite wisdom and trust that I will get married again but this time, to the man that God has prepared for me. In the meantime, I'm living happily knowing that my tomorrow is promised to be better than my yesterday and that as long as we continue to keep God involved in our decision making, we will always end up where we should be and in the best place for us.