Rediscovering contentment
- anxiousfornothing
- Mar 24, 2019
- 3 min read
Updated: May 31, 2019
As a child, I felt different from other children. It wasn’t that I was particularly smart or more capable. Rather, I had somewhat of an idea of who I was in terms of passion, interests, and identity. Most importantly as a child, I was lucky enough to be attune to the circumstances around me (which were, by most standards, less-than-ideal). I truly believed God designed me to be a certain way and that He wanted me to have certain experiences, understood or not. From a young age, I saw the combination of all of these things as contributing factors to a unique and irreplaceable person. If I was defeated in a race by a friend, I couldn’t be mad - I figured that maybe my friend was supposed to be faster. That’s ok, I’m a better writer and my walk to the bus stop is shorter. Gucci. Oh, my parents aren’t in the picture? Well, ok cool - if they were here, maybe I wouldn’t be so close to an amazing grandmother, uncles, and aunties.
I was a pretty self-aware and actualized child, and I have my upbringing in church and a great community of love to thank for it. I wasn’t jealous of others. I didn’t try to be anything aside from who I felt He wanted me to be.
And then, adulthood came.
And so did the pressures to conform to the thinking and way of moving, as determined by society.
It all started in university. I attended an extremely competitive university, but I wasn’t competitive at all. I was around a ton of white people; I was down for the Brown. I was more into just being happy with life, but recruiters and peers stressed the importance of a good title and salary.
As my circumstances shifted, so did my understanding of the specialized blessing God had on my life and who he created me to be. Rather than operate in the understanding fortified by years of experience and listening, I stopped listening to Him and started listening to everything else but Him. My focus shifted on titles and what others said to do; while it led to a lot of great things, it also led to unhappiness and confusion. Years of it.
It took me a while to get back to that understanding I had as a child. It took a lot of listening, reflecting, praying, and most of all, muting. I had to stop listening to others, especially those whose beliefs and understandings were not in alignment with mine or God’s. So often, we are told that as we move along in life - in our careers, at certain points of age, or whatever it may be - that we should be “moving forward.” What good is it to move forward, if it is not in the direction you were meant to go?
Some of us probably need to take some steps back. I had to take some steps back - several steps back - to recover and re-establish who I am at my core. By revisiting that moment in time where I didn’t care what others thought and I understood that God wanted certain things for me, I was freed from pressures, unhealthy comparisons, and movement in directions not ordained by God.
And now, I am happier than ever before. Granted, the pressures of others to move in a more linear or traditional way, are always apparent. However, at this moment I’m resistant to them- the hurt, confusion, disconnect, and unhappiness that once arose is a familiar feeling that I hope I will never feel again.

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